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1. How well do you understand the fictions and facts about love?
- part 2
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These love matches did not always work out very well. Even in the stories, the glamorous Romeo, whom the girl left all to marry, was sometimes presented as little more than an attractive and exciting tramp. After the marriage he may desert her and their children and leave them without financial or emotional support for months or even years at a time. Yet, according to the fiction, despite all these hardships, the girl had done the only thing she could do; marry the man she loved.
These strange and often tragic choices are often explained on the basis that love just doesn't make sense anyway. Love is supposed to be some strange mysterious Something which nobody can understand. The only way you can tell it is by the way you feel when your heart goes bumpity-bump, and all that. Furthermore, there doesn't seem to be anything you can do about it. It just IS, or IS NOT. You cannot make yourself love another, no matter how eager he may be to marry you, or how good a husband he would make. On the other hand, when it does hit you, you are a goner. Cupid just sneaks up on people, twangs his bow, and before anybody knows it, they are hooked, regardless of how suitable the marriage may or may not be. Such is the fiction upon the basis of which so many young people select their marriage partners. Now let us look at some of the facts.
One of the most inescapable facts is the extent of marriage failure. Hundreds of thousands crowd our divorce courts, often bitter and disillusioned. Yet, these same people were quite as much in love with each other as most young people are at the time of marriage. Obviously something is terribly wrong with this idea that marriages should be based upon feelings of love which people have toward each other.
Even more conclusive evidence is to be found in the speed with which these romantic ideas die out for most people after marriage. Think of the people whom you know who have been married for ten years or more. How many of them still have this romantic glow which is supposed to be the very purpose of marriage? The failure of romantic love to continue does not mean that there is something the matter with any particular marriage, or with marriage in general. It does mean that selecting life partners on the basis of this supposed love feeling alone is not enough. In other words, we have been making our choices too often on the basis of fictions alone. If our marriages are to succeed, we must exchange these fancies for facts. Let us now consider what some of these facts are.
Fact One: Love is not any more strange and mysterious than many other human experiences. Actually there does exist a real and growing body of scientific knowledge about it. We know a great deal about the nature of love, why it hits the way it does, and why it can or cannot stand up under the long pull of marriage.
Anything is mysterious; the rising and setting of the sun, the circulation of the blood, or changes in the weather—all are strange and mysterious to those who lack scientific knowledge about them. Many who drive cars have only the slightest idea of what goes on under the hood, or what to do if the car refuses to start. Why people suddenly become ill, or are suddenly hit by a pain at the back of the neck, may be as complete mysteries as the sudden coming of love. But as our knowledge grows, all such experiences become increasingly understandable. In love as in health, you can tell little by the way you feel. The man in terrible pain may have only simple indigestion which will cure itself, while the man who feels nothing wrong may suddenly drop dead of heart failure. Those who feel most sure of their love are often the poorest marriage risks. Having a healthy marriage, like having a healthy body, calls for the best scientific knowledge we can get.
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